Alone Is One Way To Live
by TheRedCloak
Summary: Bella Swan feels unworthy of anyone's love or affection. She believes it is her fault her fiance Jacob is dead, because she was driving on the night of the accident that took his life. When she meets Edward Masen will she be able to overcome her guilt?
1. Chapter 1

_**Bella**_

I can't stop peeking over at Jacob as I twist the new diamond ring around and around on my left ring finger. He had just asked me to marry him an hour ago, and I was still in shock. I mean, we have been friends forever, but we had only started dating a month ago. I'm so not sure if I want this, and I feel as though I'm suffocating in the small space of the car.I breathe in deeply chewing on my lip, as I drum my fingers on the staring wheel impatiently, feeling like I am on the verge of a full blown panic.

"You seem high-strung tonight." He says with out looking up from his phone.

"Ugh, its this stupid light!" I huff, gesturing towards the red light we have been sitting at for at least three minutes.

He just snorts at me and continues texting, he was so happy when I said yes, and hasn't put his phone down since. He has made sure to tell every single person we know, and I feel as though I'm going to vomit because I feel like, maybe saying yes was a big mistake.

I look down at my finger again, and I want to rip the ring off. I don't like the weight of it on my hand. I frown and direct my attention to the light again.

"Finally!" I exclaim as the light switches to green, and I floor it into the middle of the intersection.

After that everything seems to happen at once, I can hear Jake breathe in sharply beside me.

"Bella!" He yells out trying to stop me, but its too late...

oOoOo

_(A year later)_

"I'm moving Jake." I sigh, as I place a single red tulip on top of the gravestone. I let my hand run over the rough granite, and close my eyes, trying to imagine his face. It pains me that only a year has passed, and I am already having a hard time recalling the exact shade of brown his eyes were.

What would happen as more time passed? Would Jacob's face become nothing more than a whisper of a memory in the back of my mind? I cringe involuntarily, and clear my throat.

"I just can't be here anymore, living everyday haunted by- by-" I swallow hard past the lump that, for the past year, has been permanently lodged in my throat. "All these memories." I finish, before bringing a shaky hand to my face to swipe at the tears.

"I hope you understand." I whisper, my voice cracking as I turn my back on him. I am an extremely shitty person, I should have been the one to die that night.

oOoOo

"And you're sure you made the right decision?" My father Charlie's voice asks skeptically from the other end of the phone

I look around my new place, taking in the dingy walls and stains on the rug before answering. "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine dad." I say, trying to put him at ease

He really hadn't wanted me to move all by myself, especially all the way across the country to Boston.

"It's just, Boston is a lot different than Forks Bells."

"I know, I'll be fine." I repeat my earlier statement. Maybe if I keep saying it I really will be fine, but that is just an unrealistic fantasy, because I know I will never be fine again.

"Alright honey, I'll let you go. Just, please don't hesitate to call if you need me." He sounds defeated, and another piece of my already mangled heart feels as if it is breaking.

"Sure dad."

"Kay, love you kiddo."

"Love you too." I say softly before hanging up.

I shove my phone in my pocket, and lean against one of the dirty walls. "This is my home now." I whisper to myself, closing my eyes.

I exhale slowly, feeling relieved that nothing here can remind me of Jake, and then inhale sharply because the guilt is extreme, and its crushing my chest. I came here to make it easier for myself to live, but I don't deserve to have it easy, and I definitely don't even deserve to live. If Jacob had been driving, and I had died that night, he probably would have never moved. He would have stayed in Forks, in the house we bought together. He would have looked after my dad, and made sure he was okay, not run away like a coward.

"Damn it." I yell, more at myself than anything. Will I ever _not_ feel guilty?

I can feel my hands starting to tremble, and I try to keep my heightening nerves from getting to an all time high. I try counting to ten slowly, and when that doesn't calm me down enough, I figure screw it, and reach into my purse for my bottle of pills.

Just as I am swallowing one down there is a knock at the door. I walk over slowly, maneuvering around the small pile of cardboard boxes, and peer hesitantly through the peep hole. There is a girl who looks to be about my age standing there.

"What the-?" I swing the door open with more force than necessary, because I have no idea what the hell this girl wants.

"Hi!" The girl chirps enthusiastically.

I can feel myself cringing away from her perky voice, and when I realize how rude I must seem I try to form my features into a smile before I speak. "Um, hi?"

"You're my new neighbor huh?" The girl asks, and I have to force myself not to roll my eyes at her, because I think it's pretty obvious that I am moving in.

"I'm Jessica!" She continues speaking in her overly chipper voice, as she holds her right hand out to me.

I stare at her hand for a moment, before slowly shaking it. It has been so long since I had physical contact with anyone. After Jacob passed away, I hadn't really even been talking to anyone. I mean everyone knew it was my fault he died, who wants to hang around with a murderer? I shudder a bit at where my thoughts have strayed, and swallow hard.

I realize after a moment that the girl is waiting for me to introduce myself. "Oh- hi, I'm Bella." I say as if it's an afterthought.

I clear my throat before I speak again. "I- um- sorry, I'm just exhausted from the move." I smile weakly.

"Too tired to go out?" She asks, and before I can even answer she starts talking again. "There's this bar down the street, it's called Twilight. The food is good, the drinks are cheap, and there's this hot piece of ass that works behind the bar." She finishes the last part with a gleam in her eye.

"Oh, uh-" I start to decline her offer because I'm really not feeling like I want to go out, but then I think about the alternative. Do I really want to stay in, and make myself sick with these feelings of guilt, or do I want to go and grab a couple drinks and try to relax?

"Sure." I nod at her. Who knows? Maybe I can drink myself stupid and actually sleep through the night for a change.

Jessica squeals with delight at my answer.

oOoOo

As we walk along Jessica basically tells me her whole life story, and believe me when I say it was completely with out any prying from me. She told me how she had moved here from California six months ago to attend school here. She tells me that she had been so excited when the landlord told her a young girl was moving into the apartment next door to hers, because she didn't have many friends out here- Apparently she has big plans for us to be the best of friends.

I groan inwardly, as I walk beside this chattering girl.

"-and then he broke up with me!" Jessica huffs beside me, bringing me back down to earth. "I mean, seriously, I can't help that he lives thousands of miles away!" She continues on, not even noticing, or maybe just not caring that I haven't even heard a word of what she said.

"Well, here it is!" She practically sings, gesturing to the door of a building that looks like old-fashioned Irish inspired pub.

As we walk inside I busy myself digging for my wallet in my purse, because there is no doubt in my mind I will be carded. I find it buried beneath all the crap in my purse.

Jessica grabs my arm just as I am taking out my liscence, and pulls me close to her. "There he is!" She tries to whisper, but she's so excited that it sounds more like a shriek.

I look over at the bar, where there is a young man making a drink. "Your boyfriend?" I ask, feeling confused, and a little groggy and slow.

"No! I'm newly single remember?" She laughs at me, and thankfully she doesn't seem offended that I hadn't been listening to her earlier. "That's the hot piece of ass I was telling you about!" She giggles.

I shrug at her as we walk up to the bar, feeling a bit better about coming out already. That Valium I took was definitely working its magic.

"So what can I get for you ladies?" The 'hot piece of ass', as Jessica refers to him, asks us as we take our seats.

"I'll get my usual, Edward." Jessica giggles, batting her eyelashes, and flipping her bushy curly hair over her soulder, which doesn't quite have the desired effect considering her hair looks slightly like a brillo pad.

_Jeesh, coming on a little strong?_ I think to myself as I fight the urge to roll my eyes at her for the millionth time tonight. .

"What about you?" He asks in a voice of velvet, staring at me with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. I mean, they are pretty much glowing, and his hair, which is a unique bronze color, is tousled in the most unruly manner. He is- The most beautiful man I have ever layed my eyes on.

I swallow the guilt I feel from that thought down and chew on my lip, as I nervously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. "Um, I'll take the cheapest beer you've got." I say, and then pause before adding. "And a shot of Southern Comfort."

He raises an eyebrow at me, as if I am a riddle he wants to figure out, and then moves to get our drinks.

As we wait Jessica continues chattering away. I dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands, trying to keep from snapping at her. Just when I feel I'm losing the battle a full shot glass is plopped in front of me. I look up, and I'm met with a playful smirk from the green eyed god like creature.

"Here you go kiddo." He chuckles.

"Um?" I start, feeling confused because I am sure I ordered a shot and a beer. I purse my lips as I look up at him. "I ordered a beer too?"

"Yeah I know, but I wanna see you do that shot first." He says playfully.

I glare at him as I bring the glass to my lips. He is probably around my age, twenty four or so, but something about him seems older. I tip my head back quickly, emptying the glass, and then place it on the bar in front of me. When I look back up at him one side of his mouth is lifted in a crooked smile, causing me to inhale sharply. Jessica clears her throat from beside me, making me jump.

"May I have my beer now?" I ask impatiently, feeling my hands start to shake.

A tiny black haired girl who is tending the bar with him yells over as she pours some sort of mixed drink for a girl sitting across the bar from us. "Just give her the drink Edward!" She chides him, rolling her eyes at the back of his head.

"Well, alright then." He says, but he is still doing the annoyingly cute half smile thing as he hands me the bottle.

I try to keep my hands steady as I take it from him, but fail miserably. He quirks an eyebrow at me for the second time, but before he can say anything Jessica interrupts.

"So, Edward what are you doing after this?" She asks reaching over to touch his arm.

He pulls out of her reach before answering. "I better go help Alice, the bar is getting busy." Then he pauses to look at me. "You ladies enjoy your drinks."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Edward**_

__The bar is so god damn slow tonight, that I swear I could cut off my own finger just for fun. I look around making sure everyone has been attended to, and watch as Alice flirts with one of the regulars named Jasper. I shake my head in semi-disgust, because even though Jasper seems like a great guy, Alice is my sister and I don't want to see her flirting with anyone. Its just fucking gross. I decide to busy myself so I don't fixate on those two. So I am just picking up a couple of empty bottles off the bar when none other than Jessica fucking Stanley walks through the door.

Great.

That girl couldn't take a hint if it hit her in her pig nosed face, but its my own damn fault because I screwed around with her one lonely drunken night. Now I know the night is only going to go down hill from this point, because with every drink that girl orders, she becomes more and more confident in her 'seductive abilities'. I surpress a shudder as she approaches the bar, and then I notice she has someone with her.

Curious. Very curious.

"What can I get for you ladies?" I ask, as I try to get a good look at Stanley's friend. All I can see is that she has thick loose waves of long mahogany hair, in fact it is so long that it's almost acting as a curtain, shielding most of her from view.

"I'll get my usual, Edward." Stanley giggles breathlessly, and batting her eyelashes at me as she tries to flip her obnoxiously frizzy hair over her shoulder.

I watch as her friend takes a seat, and have to bite on the inside of my mouth to keep it from falling open. This girl looks like a fucking angel, with big brown eyes, pouty lips and porcelain skin.

"What about you?" I nod to the beauiful girl in front of me.

She looks up at me, finally, and her big brown eyes look startled for a moment. She looks like she wants to bolt, and then she pulls her pouty bottom lip into her mouth as if mulling something over. I can feel my dick harden, practically screaming to get out of my pants.

_Jesus, get a hold of yourself Masen._

"Um, I'll take the cheapest beer you've got." She says in a sweet small voice, that sounds way too young and innocent to be in a bar. Then she just surprises the fuck out of me. "And a shot of Southern Comfort."

__I raise my brow skeptically at this angelic creature, but just shrug before going to fetch their drinks.

I make Stanley's drink first, and then pour mystery girl's shot. I grab a bottle of Rolling Rock (the cheapest beer we have) on my way back over to them. I have to purse my lips to keep from laughing at the pained look on mystery girl's face, Stanley never shuts up once she starts talking, and this poor girl looks like she wants to scream.

As I hand Stanley her drink, I decide I want to have some fun with her friend, and so I place only the shot down in front of her. "Here you go kiddo." I say, keeping her beer behind my back.

She looks up at me with her huge brown eyes and looks momentarily confused, and this just causes me to smirk.

"Um?"

I just continue smirking at her like the immature fucker I am.

"I ordered a beer too?" She says it more like a question, than a statement.

"Yeah I know, but I wanna see you do that shot first."

I expect her to giggle, or make a fuss, because that's what any other girl would have done. She surprises me by doing no such thing. Instead, she glares at me as she brings the shot glass up to her full pouty lips, and tosses it back like a champ. When she slams the glass back on the table she looks slightly annoyed, this makes me smile further, which seems to almost frighten her. Just as I go to lean forward, feeling like a predator stalking it's prey, Stanley interrupts by clearing her throat loudly.

The trance is broken, and mystery girl looks at me pleadingly. "May I have my beer now?" She asks impatiently.

"Just give her the drink Edward!" Alice yells, no doubt rolling her eyes behind me. I bet she was watching the whole display.

"Well alright then." I say, still smiling as I hold the bottle out like a peace offering. The girl reaches for it, and her hand is trembling, causing me to wonder what exactly was going on with her. She definitely seemed different than all the other girls around here, but it wasn't just that. Her large brown eyes looked pained, and it seemed as though each breath she took was a chore.

Then Stanley decides that this is the perfect time to come on to me, for like the five hundreth fucking time this week. "So Edward, what are you doing after this?" She purrs, reaching out to touch my arm.

I pull away from her quickly. "I better go help Alice, the bar is getting busy." I lie, as I toss one more curious glance at mystery girl. "You ladies enjoy your drinks." I nod at her before walking away.

oOoOo

It's after closing, and I'm wiping down the bar when something whacks in the back of the head. "Ow fuck!" I yell, spinning around to face a frowning Alice.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Alice asks, crossing her arms.

"Uh, a lot of things?" I answer, not knowing what I did to piss her off.

She rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head. "You thought Jessica Stanley's friend was cute." She states.

"Uh, yeah." I shrug, not knowing really where she was going with this.

"So, instead of letting her know that you find her attractive, you tease her like you're in sixth grade or some shit." She snorts, throwing her hands in the air.

I shrug again.

"God, what are we gonna do with you?" She asks, as she walks back behind the bar to get her purse from the cubby underneath.

I try to keep from laughing at how strange she can be sometimes, and turn my attention to the window of the bar. That Jasper guy is standing out there with Emmett, my best friend who is also owner of the bar.

"Hmm?" She hums in response, as she appears next to me again.

"What the hell is going on out there?" I ask, feeling uneasy.

"Oh, Jasper's going to try to get a job here!" She says perkily.

"Great." I mutter.

"He's really nice Edward!" Alice says defensively.

I just roll my eyes, and rub my hand over the top of her head, sending the short black spikes into a frenzy. She bats my hand away, and rakes her fingers through her hair before sticking her tongue out at me and running out the door.

oOoOo

When I get home, I climb right into bed. I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep, but everytime I close my eyes I am met with visions of pouty lips and big brown eyes on porcelain skin. Then I really start torturing myself, replaying the way her ass looked as her and Stanley left the bar.

"Ugh!" I groan, rubbing my hands roughly over my face.

_Why can't I get this girl out of my head? _

I decide to flick on the TV, to surf for some good ol' porn. That always does the trick, but when I begin comparing all the girls to the girl from the bar I quickly turn it off, and beging pumping my dick pretending its mystery girl's hand instead of my own.


	3. Chapter 3

_*****Reviews would be splendid ;)*****_

_**Bella**_

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiing._

"Ugh fuck off." I groan at the shrill sound, until I realize it's my phone.

"Ah! Crap." I yell as I launch myself off the bed at full speed, trying to get to it before the person (most likely my dad) hangs up.

"Hello?" I croak into the receiver.

"Bells?"

"Hey dad." I sigh, flopping back down on my bed with a huff.

Last night had been a little rough. I had felt even worse after going to that bar, especially after 'hot piece of ass' aka Edward started flirting with me. It was all just too much, so when I got home I went right to my medicine cabinet, took a Citalopram, and hopped right into bed.

"-And I really think you should."

"Wait what?" I ask, having missed the whole first part of his sentence.

"Come home Bella, you don't belong out there." He says.

"Dad." I sigh. "I told you I need to just get away for awhile."

"I know, but-"

"Dad." I warn.

"Ugh, okay okay. Just, make sure to call me every morning and check in?"

"Alright." I mumble, just to appease him.

"Okay, good good. I will talk to you later kiddo."

"Yeah, bye dad."

I sigh staring at my phone for a minute. It's one in the afternoon, I better get up and get ready. I got to find a job, or I will be going back home whether I want to or not.

oOoOo

I have already been to several different restaurants, coffee shops, I even tried McDonalds, and no one is hiring. I won't be able to live forever off the money I recieved because of Jake's life insurance policy, and when it runs out I'm screwed. This day sucks, and on top of it all it's pouring, making it damn near impossible to see anything. I always get nervous driving in the rain, well that's a lie, actually I get nervous driving period. After the accident I even bought this huge old truck, because it makes me feel a little safer. Yes, the thing is older than your grandma, but it's like a tank.

I try not to focus on the fact that my hands are shaking and pay attention to the road, but when my nerves get the better of me I reach for my purse to grab a Valium. My fingers brush against the bottle, now if I could just reach-

"Damn it!" I must have not closed the bottle all the way the last time, because it's empty.

"Great!" I groan, smacking the steering wheel in annoyance.

I pick up my purse and pull it onto my lap, gathering up the loose pills as I steer through traffic slowly. I just about got all of the pills back in the bottle when I look up again. I realize too late that the front end of my tank-like truck is far too close to the back end of a nice shiny silver Volvo.

"Shiiiiiit!" I screech as I try to hit the brakes, way too late.

The horrid sound of metal on metal plays like a death note in my ears. I know that I should try to move, but I believe I might actually be paralyzed. I watch in horror as the driver of the other car starts to get out, and realize I have got to have the worst luck ever because it's the 'hot piece of ass' from the bar last night that steps out of the Volvo.

"You've gotta be kidding me." I cry, resting my head on the steering wheel.

There's a knock on my window, and I slowly lift my head. When I look at him I am met with those striking green eyes, and my heart starts beating impossibly fast as I open the door to step out of my monstrousity of a truck.

"Are you okay?" He asks so calmly, that I wonder if this happens on a regular basis to him.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I whisper, even though I feel just the opposite. The crash, even though it was minor, has stirred up visions from that night with Jake that aren't welcome.

"Hey, you're myst- uh- the girl from the bar." He says, looking somewhat amused, but his smile slowly fades when he realizes how badly I'm shaking. "Woah, maybe you should sit down." He says in his velvety voice, as he stares at me with those intense green eyes.

All I can manage to do is nod, as I wring my hands nervously.

"Uh, fuck, look I'm not going to call the cops or anything." He says, as he rubs the back of his neck then drops his arms to his sides and shrugs. "It's no big deal."

I look at him, and chew on my lip anxiously. I can feel the start of tears prickling at the back of my eyes, I won't cry in front of this god-like man. I have to pull it together, because this is already embarassing enough as it is.

"How bad is the damage?" I ask quietly as I stare down at my feet, it looks as though I am seeing them through a glass of water, because my eyes are filling up and at this point the tears are threatening to brim over.

"It's not too bad."

I walk around to the front of my truck, there's barely a scratch on her. The Volvo on the other hand, has suffered some more severe injuries. The dent in the bumper would need to be popped out, and defintely repainted. It would probably cost way more than I could afford.

"This day really does suck." I mumble, and then I begin to cry, and I don't mean silent tears. I am full out crying my eyes out in front of this strange man, and I know I probably look like a crazy hot mess but I just can't seem to care. Somewhere in my mind I'm also aware that I'm probably scaring the hell out of him, when I hear him muttering something over and over that sounds strangely like _Oh shit_.

oOoOo

_**Edward**_

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" Wait, am I saying that out loud?

I pace back in forth in front of her, gripping my hair in my hands. I don't know what to do, but I can't just stand here and watch this girl cry like that. I look around, because now a small crowd is forming on the sidewalk. A group of teenagers are walking by, and decide to stop to enjoy the show as well.

"What the fuck are you staring at?" I growl at them, causing them to step back from us.

"Look, we have to get out of here before someone calls the police. I don't want to file an accident report, this is nothing to worry about." I say gesturing to our cars, but its like reasoning with a child who has just dropped their icecream cone on the ground.

"I can't afford to fix the damage done to your car." She sniffles, shaking her head back and forth.

"I have a buddy that could help me out." I smile at her, trying to calm her. "Really, it's not a big deal."

After a couple more sniffles, she seems to be calming down. If I believed in god, I would have thanked him. I can't fucking stand seeing girls cry, especially this girl, it was doing something to my heart seeing her so distraught.

"Okay." She nods, biting on her lip as she stares up at me with her big brown eyes, and even though they are still red and puffy from crying, god damn, she's is so fucking sexy.

Fuck. Masen. She was just crying, get a hold of yourself.

"Let me write down my information so you can let me know if there's anything you need me to do." She says as she runs around and disappears into the cab of her truck.

I walk around the door she vanished behind, and am granted with a nice view of her ass as she bends in to retrieve her purse. When she pulls it out I have to try not to laugh, because it looks like a god damn Mary Poppins Bag. She could probably live in it, no lie. She starts digging around in there, and I half expect her to pull out a rabbit or some equally crazy shit, but instead she just pulls out a pen. She grabs my hand in hers, and I feel like a teenager because for some reason the simple touch of her hand is exciting me, I am still lost as to what she is doing until she bites the cap off the pen and begins writing numbers on my hand.

"There." She says with a simple nod.

I nod back.

Smooth Masen. Real smooth.

Then with a sad smile she climbs into her ridiculous looking truck and just drives away. When I'm back in my own car I look down at my hand where she had just touched me, it is still tingling slightly, and there on my skin were ten numbers, and her name.

"Bella." I whisper, and the name just feels right coming out of my mouth


End file.
